Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear Bitches,

A'ight you fucking queens. The point of this blog is to write. The point of this blog is to entertain. The point of this blog is to give unfiltered, no holds barred, bitchy fucking advice. And guess what.....


/ that that's off my chiseled manly chest. Ive talked to you. All of you. In a bar most likely, because who wants to be social in an environment without the best social lubricant, alcohol. And you all say you like reading this word vomit. So throw me a bone, and if your hung, a boner. Write a question, make up a question, plagerizes your mothers Dear Abby write-in. How am I supposed to talk an editor of a newspaper into publishing this drivle if there is nothing to bitch about.

Seriously, I spend 8 hours a day with a headset on staring at a computer screen at work, go home to play too many video games, and try to keep my B.A.C. at a lively level of .21 just to stay lucid enough to type (.32 is necessary for any sort of social interaction above a polite nod to the guy who blew me in the alley last weekend).

So send your friends dying of a broken heart, your mother trying to rekindle her gray and saggy love life, your boss trying to explain to his wife how he knocked up the 18 year old copy girl, your sister who is spends her nights trying to suck the whiskey out of any Irish man around, your brother who just got hit on by the star quarter back, or your dad, just trying to find a way to break through the monotany of middle age.

Send them all, to Bitch Please (care of with all thier woes, thier needs, thier questions, thier desires, and thier numbers (only for hotties between 18-35). Send them to a bitter, jaded queen who will tell it like it is.

Hell, if its too much to ask them to email, just slip me a note in the bar this weekend. Im the one either coming out of the bathroom with a smile on my face, or the one passed out on the dance floor, unlight cigarette hanging from my mouth, empty flask of rum, empty cocktail glass, and the D.J.'s digits in my pocket.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Slide down Memory Lane

Dear Bitch,

I am for the most part a happy, single woman. However, back in college I had a 7 month relationship with a guy I probably shouldn't have even met. And then things went sour when he came clean about getting someone else pregnant in the middle our relationship. We broke up, he married his baby-momma and I moved on with my life. Until now, when I received an email from him claiming he was now divorced and wanting to reconnect. He was apologetic, seems honest, and appears to just be interested in being friends.

It brought back a ton of feelings I thought were long gone, and I just don't know where to go from here. Help!

Unwanted Slide down Memory Lane


Dear Unwanted Slider,

Bitch Please! This dude couldn't even stay with just you back when he had you. What do you honestly think he is looking for now? Another bay-momma since his first one divorced his skeezy ass? Survey says.........BITCH PLEASE, OF COURSE HE IS!

Here is a lesson on men. Straight men, gay men, men who dress like women, boys who will become men, and boys who think they're men but really are still just boys. THEY LIKE TO HAVE SEX! Why do you think he had sex with more than just you when you were together? Why do you think he would come back after 4-5 years? I can assure you, its not for the pillow talk and romantic walks. Men may be stupid, but after some time, they have been known to come around and realize what asshat's they have been to people in the past. This however, does not change there main prerogative in a relationship, to wake up the next morning searching for Plan B.

Now, after 5 years, what would be different. If he walked out on you in the past, why wouldn't he do that again? If he didn't care enough about you to keep it in his pants (or only your bed), and then went on to an equally fruitless marriage, why would you think it would be any different?

Delete his email address, his phone number, his pictures, and destroy the ratty piece of clothing of his you kept all these years in futile hopes. Reconnecting with him more than 'accidentally' spilling a Cosmo on him at a bar is just a setup for 7 more months of Douche-baggery and a repeat offender. Keep your 5 years of happiness without him, and buy a new sex toy. A dildo stays harder longer than a cock any day, and it wont bring the past 5 years of STD into the bedroom with it.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Interim Post for thought......Need more questions emailed in!!!!

The Best Part.......

.....about dating a bottle of Southern Comfort:

-She understands if you're only there coz she is

-She respects your decision that you might have had to much of her

-She only hurts you in the morning, and only if you have had to much of her the night before

-She promotes honesty, or at least speaking as such

-You don't ever wonder if she will call you the next day, coz she always does

-She's never ambiguous about what she wants from you

-She tastes so damn good

-She doesn't mind if you still hang out with your old friends (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, that guy from Dewar's, Jameson, Sailor Jerry, your Russian friend Stoli, and your best buddy Jager)

-She will hold you in her embrace all night long

-You never wake up and wonder who you were out with the night before

-She proudly declares her intentions

-She doesn't have an ego to uphold

-She doesn't mind if you have a drinking problem

-She hates the periods of time when you aren't together

-She doesn't care what condition you're in when you get there, she's just happy you are there

-She doesn't care if you puke, even if its her own fault

-She doesn't mind if your friends watch