At least you get to have even more sex

Dear Bitch,

I am one of those ladies who wants a lot of kids, I love being pregnant an seem to be good at birth, so you can imagine my anger when my birthday present last year was my husband getting a vasectomy instead of me getting pregnant again like I wanted. Not only did I have to plan my own birthday party, but I had to be nursemaid to the selfish bastard. Do you think it is my right to decide when I am done having kids coz I'm the one carrying them and caring for them?

Hormonal Mama


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Hormonal Mama,

Bitch Please! Of course it is your right to decide when you are done having kids, its your body, not his. However, if I had the power, I would hand out vasectomy's and hysterectomy's like condoms at any gay bar at bartime. Some people just shouldn't procreate, and I have no problem telling them such. However, lets look at this logically.

Is it your vagina and your decision, yes. Does your husbands lack of little soldier spewing into your ham wallet prevent you from having more children, no. If you want more kids so bad, divorce the "selfish bastard" and go get knocked up from 18,000,000 men running around just looking for a hole to stick it in (I suggest checking Brother's Bar or The Library Bar here in Wisconsin. Full of utter douche-baggery). Or don't get a divorce, just keep having sex with anyone BUT him. However, this decision leads to the inherent moral dilemma, fidelity. So your really kinda shit out of luck.

Basic human biology requires both ovum and sperm to be present in a warm, wet, and accommodating environment (although I'm pretty sure vagina now have teeth, its been a while since I've seen one) to produce a fetus, and then a baby. If your husband didn't want more children, then yes, he should have discussed it with you first, out of respect for your marriage and your feelings. But by not asking you, he in no way betrayed you or made any more selfish of a decision than you did. Thinking only of yourself and how many kids YOU want is in complete disregard to his feelings as well. If you want more children, why were you not already planning it WITH him, instead of just hoping you got knocked up on your b-day? Yes, you claim to be the one taking care of your children, but I highly doubt your grocery store salary pays all the bills for yourself and 3 kids without his income. And I highly doubt that he isn't mentally and physically taxed by the idea of having more. Maybe he only wanted a couple rugrats, instead of a herd. Was that discussed prior to tying the knot, or prior to the first "oops, the condom broke"? If it wasn't, then it is just as much your responsibility for not getting hitched to a guy that has the same paternal desires you do.

And as for you being "good at giving birth".......in this age of home births with midwifes, birth defects, and people making careers out of being a Doula, the only way I will believe someone is completely and fully "good" at giving birth is if they can get knocked up, and 9 months later hand the doctor (or midwife, or doula) a catcher's mitt, step back, and say "careful, she might be slippery".

And reverse vasectomy's have a 97% success rate. Enjoy the smaller money-shots, and when you are BOTH ready for more kids, find a doctor to fix the plumbing. Or there is always frozen sperm-sicles. They wont turn your tongue red like a strawberry Popsicle, but word on the streets say there is more protein in those.

Here's to the Breeze's,


The Bitch

Roller Girl

Dear Bitch,

I am joining the roller derby this summer and I need a fancy roller derby name. It needs to be sassy and I thought who better to brainstorm for me but my favorite bitch! Any Ideas??

Nameless in Seattle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Nameless,

Bitch Please! I'm not here to do your work for you! Think of your own shit! Do you think I really have the spare time to tax my brain with some shitty name to call yourself as your circle around a bunch of butch, agressive, and overtly dykish women in attempts to forcibly deter them from thier goal? No, I dont. But just because you sent in a question, I will attempt to think of something while watching porn and rubbing one off.

So you wanna roll around with women. You want to be sassy. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines sassy as:
1. Impudent (marked by contemptuous or cocky boldness or disregard of others)
2. Vigorous, Lively
3. Distictively smart and stylish

This leaves me with only one option to name yourself for "Roller Derby"......

~~~Bitchforce Couture~~~

Bitch being with definition 1
Force is behind definition 2
And Couture is really all you can ever end up at if you are truely stylish.

So, with a great name, comes great resposibility.
1. You must have 1 teammate a month mail a question into B.please@hotmail.com
2. You must honor and cherish your name, in remaining unbelievably bitchy and unrelentless on your pretty pink skates
3. Sportsbras are never stylish, unless thats the ONLY thing you are wearing on top. So bedazzle the SHIT out of that sportsbra and skate with PRIDE!
4. Send nudes

I now bestow my blessing on your practices of female bonding and agressive mating ritual known as roller derby. Skate with all your heart, soul, and inner BITCH, Ms. Bitchforce Couture, for if you fail, I will never speak to you again. Shit, in 2 years I wont even be taking your calls. Don't fuck it up.


Here's to the Breeze's,


The Bitch