Dear Bitch,
I am in love with a married man. The problem is, I am friends with his wife, and think she is a great person and perfect for him. How do I avoid, deny, and/or rid myself of these feelings for a man that is married to someone else? Whiskey doesn't cure all my problems because he is a whiskey lover too. Every time I drink, I think of him. HELP!
Wanna Be Homewrecker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Wanna Be Homewrecker,
Bitch Please! The man you are in love with is Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Powers! And threesome's are always a good time! So whats the real problem here? If they are all 3 married, it shouldnt matter, coz by the sounds of how you drink, you regularly have them......inside.....you. And what else is a man good for but sex and to look pretty on your arm?
Listen, you dont need a man. Jameson, Jack, and Powers will never hurt you like a man. They will never meet you in a hotel room and shower right after sex so thier wifey cant smell you on them. They will never erase your texts, pay in only cash, and leave before the sun rises the next morning. The only time they will ever hurt you is the hangover the next morning, and maybe, if you've had enough, the whiskey shits. And thats better than breaking up the sanctity of marriage (pshhh, yeah right, in this country, about as sacred as my left testicle) in futile attempts to be with someone that if he loved you the same way you love him, would have already filed for divorce. Pursing anything more than a dinner date and drinks WITH his wife is a practice in futility, resulting only in 3 broken people: a bitter ex-wife, a guilty ex-husband, and a ruined friendship.
Still, a sexual tryst with a married man and hot hotel sex is always fun. Make him wear a condom, keep his number on speed-dial, and meet at a hotel with a bar in it. Bringing a bottle of Jameson back to the room with you is the only classy way to say "Don't tell your wife, but I'll let you put it anywhere."
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Barren and Blissful
Dear Bitch,
I know I am getting old because all my friends are having babies. My husband and I decided not to further popluate this planet, but I feel like without a little bundle of joy I will lose all my friends to baby yoga, play dates, and daycares. What can I do to keep my baby-mommas as friends? Or perhaps I should start hanging out with 19 year olds?
Barren and Blissful
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barren and Blissful,
Bitch Please! Don't have a baby just to hang out with baby-mommas! First off, staying away from baby yoga, play dates, and all that other kiddy shit is really just preventative measures protecting you from Chicken Pox, copious amounts of the 3-P's (piss, puke, and poop), constant bitching about lactating nipples (gross), and a helluva lot of crying.
If you want to have play dates and daycares, here is a solution:
1. Have your gurls over for a bottle or 4 of wine
2. Procede to male strip club
3. Use all the money you saved on not having children to buy lapdances and shove dollar after dollar after dollar in the strippers sweaty g-string and tight ass
4. Do shots from strippers navels and even from your own friends cleavage (thats the play part!)
5. Cab it home
6. Hire a 16 year old high school girl looking for babysitting money to take care of your hungover ass the entire next day (tada! Daycare!)
7. And as for the yoga part, you dont have to be flexible to fall out of bed and crawl to the bathroom to pay homage to the fifth of Patron you have festering in your liver.
Above all else, get a cat and every time you see your baby-momma's you will get to hear them bitch about being exhausted and broke. Use this to remind yourself why you and your hubby still use birth control. And if you are really feeling nostalgic, wear Depends when you go to the strip club. Saves on trips to the bathroom, and you can still wake up with diaper rash.
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
I know I am getting old because all my friends are having babies. My husband and I decided not to further popluate this planet, but I feel like without a little bundle of joy I will lose all my friends to baby yoga, play dates, and daycares. What can I do to keep my baby-mommas as friends? Or perhaps I should start hanging out with 19 year olds?
Barren and Blissful
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barren and Blissful,
Bitch Please! Don't have a baby just to hang out with baby-mommas! First off, staying away from baby yoga, play dates, and all that other kiddy shit is really just preventative measures protecting you from Chicken Pox, copious amounts of the 3-P's (piss, puke, and poop), constant bitching about lactating nipples (gross), and a helluva lot of crying.
If you want to have play dates and daycares, here is a solution:
1. Have your gurls over for a bottle or 4 of wine
2. Procede to male strip club
3. Use all the money you saved on not having children to buy lapdances and shove dollar after dollar after dollar in the strippers sweaty g-string and tight ass
4. Do shots from strippers navels and even from your own friends cleavage (thats the play part!)
5. Cab it home
6. Hire a 16 year old high school girl looking for babysitting money to take care of your hungover ass the entire next day (tada! Daycare!)
7. And as for the yoga part, you dont have to be flexible to fall out of bed and crawl to the bathroom to pay homage to the fifth of Patron you have festering in your liver.
Above all else, get a cat and every time you see your baby-momma's you will get to hear them bitch about being exhausted and broke. Use this to remind yourself why you and your hubby still use birth control. And if you are really feeling nostalgic, wear Depends when you go to the strip club. Saves on trips to the bathroom, and you can still wake up with diaper rash.
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The Skinny
So here's how it goes.
1. Email your problem/question/frustration/boyfriend's phone number/complaint's/curiosities to b.please@hotmail.com and please be thorough in your question
2. Anything worthwhile that you send will be posted here, and replied to as I see fit
3. Be patient. I'm a busy man, and your problems are not my focus in life. I will see that they are addressed in as timely a manner as possible.
4. Send nudes
5. I'm not your grandma sitting down for coffee talk, so don't be surprised at any response you get
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
1. Email your problem/question/frustration/boyfriend's phone number/complaint's/curiosities to b.please@hotmail.com and please be thorough in your question
2. Anything worthwhile that you send will be posted here, and replied to as I see fit
3. Be patient. I'm a busy man, and your problems are not my focus in life. I will see that they are addressed in as timely a manner as possible.
4. Send nudes
5. I'm not your grandma sitting down for coffee talk, so don't be surprised at any response you get
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
The Launch
Some people call me a bitch. Well, to be honest, most people have at one time or another. But to me, darling, its a term of endearment. Just because I made you cry in public with only my words does not make me a bad person, it just makes you weak. So here we are, a trial run, to see how this all goes.
One drunken night, one of many thousands in my life, I was reading an advice column. Yeah, cheesy trash from a local rag, but other people's problems make me laugh, so I just went with it. It was some sob story about a straight girl who can't get her brain-dead boyfriend to do what she wants him to do in bed. And when I got to the bottom of the "advice" section, I couldn't believe the "advice" that was given. It was boring, and of no real help at all. And I started to think, what would have I said to this poor girl? Could I have been helpful, or would I have just been brutally honest, truthful, and ended up, yet again, the perpetual bitch. And who would want the advice of some jaded queen stuck in a small town anyways?
That's when it came to me. I don't give a shit who wants my advice or not, I'm gonna give it. And its not gonna be sugar coated, socially acceptable, or even heartfelt. The reality is, some people need to wake up and smell the sheets, coz someone else has been sleeping with your man.........ME!
So here we are, a mid 20's gay man, starting off with a blog and seeing were it goes. I don't promise much, but here is what I do promise:
-Be brutally honest
-Tell it like it is, not like you want to hear it
-Use profanities(you're fucking right!)
-Attempt to be helpful, if only just making you see the errors of your ways
-Hopefully be slightly entertaining
I don't know how this will all pan out, but I will do my best. My friends all say go for it, and it definitely passes the time while sucking on some rum and chain smoking.
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
One drunken night, one of many thousands in my life, I was reading an advice column. Yeah, cheesy trash from a local rag, but other people's problems make me laugh, so I just went with it. It was some sob story about a straight girl who can't get her brain-dead boyfriend to do what she wants him to do in bed. And when I got to the bottom of the "advice" section, I couldn't believe the "advice" that was given. It was boring, and of no real help at all. And I started to think, what would have I said to this poor girl? Could I have been helpful, or would I have just been brutally honest, truthful, and ended up, yet again, the perpetual bitch. And who would want the advice of some jaded queen stuck in a small town anyways?
That's when it came to me. I don't give a shit who wants my advice or not, I'm gonna give it. And its not gonna be sugar coated, socially acceptable, or even heartfelt. The reality is, some people need to wake up and smell the sheets, coz someone else has been sleeping with your man.........ME!
So here we are, a mid 20's gay man, starting off with a blog and seeing were it goes. I don't promise much, but here is what I do promise:
-Be brutally honest
-Tell it like it is, not like you want to hear it
-Use profanities(you're fucking right!)
-Attempt to be helpful, if only just making you see the errors of your ways
-Hopefully be slightly entertaining
I don't know how this will all pan out, but I will do my best. My friends all say go for it, and it definitely passes the time while sucking on some rum and chain smoking.
Here's to the Breeze's,
The Bitch
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