Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Wanna Be Homewrecker

Dear Bitch,

I am in love with a married man. The problem is, I am friends with his wife, and think she is a great person and perfect for him. How do I avoid, deny, and/or rid myself of these feelings for a man that is married to someone else? Whiskey doesn't cure all my problems because he is a whiskey lover too. Every time I drink, I think of him. HELP!

Wanna Be Homewrecker


Dear Wanna Be Homewrecker,

Bitch Please! The man you are in love with is Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Powers! And threesome's are always a good time! So whats the real problem here? If they are all 3 married, it shouldnt matter, coz by the sounds of how you drink, you regularly have them......inside.....you. And what else is a man good for but sex and to look pretty on your arm?

Listen, you dont need a man. Jameson, Jack, and Powers will never hurt you like a man. They will never meet you in a hotel room and shower right after sex so thier wifey cant smell you on them. They will never erase your texts, pay in only cash, and leave before the sun rises the next morning. The only time they will ever hurt you is the hangover the next morning, and maybe, if you've had enough, the whiskey shits. And thats better than breaking up the sanctity of marriage (pshhh, yeah right, in this country, about as sacred as my left testicle) in futile attempts to be with someone that if he loved you the same way you love him, would have already filed for divorce. Pursing anything more than a dinner date and drinks WITH his wife is a practice in futility, resulting only in 3 broken people: a bitter ex-wife, a guilty ex-husband, and a ruined friendship.

Still, a sexual tryst with a married man and hot hotel sex is always fun. Make him wear a condom, keep his number on speed-dial, and meet at a hotel with a bar in it. Bringing a bottle of Jameson back to the room with you is the only classy way to say "Don't tell your wife, but I'll let you put it anywhere."

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

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