Monday, June 7, 2010

At least you get to have even more sex

Dear Bitch,

I am one of those ladies who wants a lot of kids, I love being pregnant an seem to be good at birth, so you can imagine my anger when my birthday present last year was my husband getting a vasectomy instead of me getting pregnant again like I wanted. Not only did I have to plan my own birthday party, but I had to be nursemaid to the selfish bastard. Do you think it is my right to decide when I am done having kids coz I'm the one carrying them and caring for them?

Hormonal Mama


Dear Hormonal Mama,

Bitch Please! Of course it is your right to decide when you are done having kids, its your body, not his. However, if I had the power, I would hand out vasectomy's and hysterectomy's like condoms at any gay bar at bartime. Some people just shouldn't procreate, and I have no problem telling them such. However, lets look at this logically.

Is it your vagina and your decision, yes. Does your husbands lack of little soldier spewing into your ham wallet prevent you from having more children, no. If you want more kids so bad, divorce the "selfish bastard" and go get knocked up from 18,000,000 men running around just looking for a hole to stick it in (I suggest checking Brother's Bar or The Library Bar here in Wisconsin. Full of utter douche-baggery). Or don't get a divorce, just keep having sex with anyone BUT him. However, this decision leads to the inherent moral dilemma, fidelity. So your really kinda shit out of luck.

Basic human biology requires both ovum and sperm to be present in a warm, wet, and accommodating environment (although I'm pretty sure vagina now have teeth, its been a while since I've seen one) to produce a fetus, and then a baby. If your husband didn't want more children, then yes, he should have discussed it with you first, out of respect for your marriage and your feelings. But by not asking you, he in no way betrayed you or made any more selfish of a decision than you did. Thinking only of yourself and how many kids YOU want is in complete disregard to his feelings as well. If you want more children, why were you not already planning it WITH him, instead of just hoping you got knocked up on your b-day? Yes, you claim to be the one taking care of your children, but I highly doubt your grocery store salary pays all the bills for yourself and 3 kids without his income. And I highly doubt that he isn't mentally and physically taxed by the idea of having more. Maybe he only wanted a couple rugrats, instead of a herd. Was that discussed prior to tying the knot, or prior to the first "oops, the condom broke"? If it wasn't, then it is just as much your responsibility for not getting hitched to a guy that has the same paternal desires you do.

And as for you being "good at giving birth" this age of home births with midwifes, birth defects, and people making careers out of being a Doula, the only way I will believe someone is completely and fully "good" at giving birth is if they can get knocked up, and 9 months later hand the doctor (or midwife, or doula) a catcher's mitt, step back, and say "careful, she might be slippery".

And reverse vasectomy's have a 97% success rate. Enjoy the smaller money-shots, and when you are BOTH ready for more kids, find a doctor to fix the plumbing. Or there is always frozen sperm-sicles. They wont turn your tongue red like a strawberry Popsicle, but word on the streets say there is more protein in those.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Roller Girl

Dear Bitch,

I am joining the roller derby this summer and I need a fancy roller derby name. It needs to be sassy and I thought who better to brainstorm for me but my favorite bitch! Any Ideas??

Nameless in Seattle


Dear Nameless,

Bitch Please! I'm not here to do your work for you! Think of your own shit! Do you think I really have the spare time to tax my brain with some shitty name to call yourself as your circle around a bunch of butch, agressive, and overtly dykish women in attempts to forcibly deter them from thier goal? No, I dont. But just because you sent in a question, I will attempt to think of something while watching porn and rubbing one off.

So you wanna roll around with women. You want to be sassy. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines sassy as:
1. Impudent (marked by contemptuous or cocky boldness or disregard of others)
2. Vigorous, Lively
3. Distictively smart and stylish

This leaves me with only one option to name yourself for "Roller Derby"......

~~~Bitchforce Couture~~~

Bitch being with definition 1
Force is behind definition 2
And Couture is really all you can ever end up at if you are truely stylish.

So, with a great name, comes great resposibility.
1. You must have 1 teammate a month mail a question into
2. You must honor and cherish your name, in remaining unbelievably bitchy and unrelentless on your pretty pink skates
3. Sportsbras are never stylish, unless thats the ONLY thing you are wearing on top. So bedazzle the SHIT out of that sportsbra and skate with PRIDE!
4. Send nudes

I now bestow my blessing on your practices of female bonding and agressive mating ritual known as roller derby. Skate with all your heart, soul, and inner BITCH, Ms. Bitchforce Couture, for if you fail, I will never speak to you again. Shit, in 2 years I wont even be taking your calls. Don't fuck it up.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Dear Bitches,

A'ight you fucking queens. The point of this blog is to write. The point of this blog is to entertain. The point of this blog is to give unfiltered, no holds barred, bitchy fucking advice. And guess what.....


/ that that's off my chiseled manly chest. Ive talked to you. All of you. In a bar most likely, because who wants to be social in an environment without the best social lubricant, alcohol. And you all say you like reading this word vomit. So throw me a bone, and if your hung, a boner. Write a question, make up a question, plagerizes your mothers Dear Abby write-in. How am I supposed to talk an editor of a newspaper into publishing this drivle if there is nothing to bitch about.

Seriously, I spend 8 hours a day with a headset on staring at a computer screen at work, go home to play too many video games, and try to keep my B.A.C. at a lively level of .21 just to stay lucid enough to type (.32 is necessary for any sort of social interaction above a polite nod to the guy who blew me in the alley last weekend).

So send your friends dying of a broken heart, your mother trying to rekindle her gray and saggy love life, your boss trying to explain to his wife how he knocked up the 18 year old copy girl, your sister who is spends her nights trying to suck the whiskey out of any Irish man around, your brother who just got hit on by the star quarter back, or your dad, just trying to find a way to break through the monotany of middle age.

Send them all, to Bitch Please (care of with all thier woes, thier needs, thier questions, thier desires, and thier numbers (only for hotties between 18-35). Send them to a bitter, jaded queen who will tell it like it is.

Hell, if its too much to ask them to email, just slip me a note in the bar this weekend. Im the one either coming out of the bathroom with a smile on my face, or the one passed out on the dance floor, unlight cigarette hanging from my mouth, empty flask of rum, empty cocktail glass, and the D.J.'s digits in my pocket.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Slide down Memory Lane

Dear Bitch,

I am for the most part a happy, single woman. However, back in college I had a 7 month relationship with a guy I probably shouldn't have even met. And then things went sour when he came clean about getting someone else pregnant in the middle our relationship. We broke up, he married his baby-momma and I moved on with my life. Until now, when I received an email from him claiming he was now divorced and wanting to reconnect. He was apologetic, seems honest, and appears to just be interested in being friends.

It brought back a ton of feelings I thought were long gone, and I just don't know where to go from here. Help!

Unwanted Slide down Memory Lane


Dear Unwanted Slider,

Bitch Please! This dude couldn't even stay with just you back when he had you. What do you honestly think he is looking for now? Another bay-momma since his first one divorced his skeezy ass? Survey says.........BITCH PLEASE, OF COURSE HE IS!

Here is a lesson on men. Straight men, gay men, men who dress like women, boys who will become men, and boys who think they're men but really are still just boys. THEY LIKE TO HAVE SEX! Why do you think he had sex with more than just you when you were together? Why do you think he would come back after 4-5 years? I can assure you, its not for the pillow talk and romantic walks. Men may be stupid, but after some time, they have been known to come around and realize what asshat's they have been to people in the past. This however, does not change there main prerogative in a relationship, to wake up the next morning searching for Plan B.

Now, after 5 years, what would be different. If he walked out on you in the past, why wouldn't he do that again? If he didn't care enough about you to keep it in his pants (or only your bed), and then went on to an equally fruitless marriage, why would you think it would be any different?

Delete his email address, his phone number, his pictures, and destroy the ratty piece of clothing of his you kept all these years in futile hopes. Reconnecting with him more than 'accidentally' spilling a Cosmo on him at a bar is just a setup for 7 more months of Douche-baggery and a repeat offender. Keep your 5 years of happiness without him, and buy a new sex toy. A dildo stays harder longer than a cock any day, and it wont bring the past 5 years of STD into the bedroom with it.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Interim Post for thought......Need more questions emailed in!!!!

The Best Part.......

.....about dating a bottle of Southern Comfort:

-She understands if you're only there coz she is

-She respects your decision that you might have had to much of her

-She only hurts you in the morning, and only if you have had to much of her the night before

-She promotes honesty, or at least speaking as such

-You don't ever wonder if she will call you the next day, coz she always does

-She's never ambiguous about what she wants from you

-She tastes so damn good

-She doesn't mind if you still hang out with your old friends (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Jim Beam, Johnny Walker, that guy from Dewar's, Jameson, Sailor Jerry, your Russian friend Stoli, and your best buddy Jager)

-She will hold you in her embrace all night long

-You never wake up and wonder who you were out with the night before

-She proudly declares her intentions

-She doesn't have an ego to uphold

-She doesn't mind if you have a drinking problem

-She hates the periods of time when you aren't together

-She doesn't care what condition you're in when you get there, she's just happy you are there

-She doesn't care if you puke, even if its her own fault

-She doesn't mind if your friends watch

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Wanna Be Homewrecker

Dear Bitch,

I am in love with a married man. The problem is, I am friends with his wife, and think she is a great person and perfect for him. How do I avoid, deny, and/or rid myself of these feelings for a man that is married to someone else? Whiskey doesn't cure all my problems because he is a whiskey lover too. Every time I drink, I think of him. HELP!

Wanna Be Homewrecker


Dear Wanna Be Homewrecker,

Bitch Please! The man you are in love with is Jameson, Jack Daniels, and Powers! And threesome's are always a good time! So whats the real problem here? If they are all 3 married, it shouldnt matter, coz by the sounds of how you drink, you regularly have And what else is a man good for but sex and to look pretty on your arm?

Listen, you dont need a man. Jameson, Jack, and Powers will never hurt you like a man. They will never meet you in a hotel room and shower right after sex so thier wifey cant smell you on them. They will never erase your texts, pay in only cash, and leave before the sun rises the next morning. The only time they will ever hurt you is the hangover the next morning, and maybe, if you've had enough, the whiskey shits. And thats better than breaking up the sanctity of marriage (pshhh, yeah right, in this country, about as sacred as my left testicle) in futile attempts to be with someone that if he loved you the same way you love him, would have already filed for divorce. Pursing anything more than a dinner date and drinks WITH his wife is a practice in futility, resulting only in 3 broken people: a bitter ex-wife, a guilty ex-husband, and a ruined friendship.

Still, a sexual tryst with a married man and hot hotel sex is always fun. Make him wear a condom, keep his number on speed-dial, and meet at a hotel with a bar in it. Bringing a bottle of Jameson back to the room with you is the only classy way to say "Don't tell your wife, but I'll let you put it anywhere."

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Monday, April 26, 2010

Barren and Blissful

Dear Bitch,

I know I am getting old because all my friends are having babies. My husband and I decided not to further popluate this planet, but I feel like without a little bundle of joy I will lose all my friends to baby yoga, play dates, and daycares. What can I do to keep my baby-mommas as friends? Or perhaps I should start hanging out with 19 year olds?

Barren and Blissful

Barren and Blissful,

Bitch Please! Don't have a baby just to hang out with baby-mommas! First off, staying away from baby yoga, play dates, and all that other kiddy shit is really just preventative measures protecting you from Chicken Pox, copious amounts of the 3-P's (piss, puke, and poop), constant bitching about lactating nipples (gross), and a helluva lot of crying.

If you want to have play dates and daycares, here is a solution:
1. Have your gurls over for a bottle or 4 of wine
2. Procede to male strip club
3. Use all the money you saved on not having children to buy lapdances and shove dollar after dollar after dollar in the strippers sweaty g-string and tight ass
4. Do shots from strippers navels and even from your own friends cleavage (thats the play part!)
5. Cab it home
6. Hire a 16 year old high school girl looking for babysitting money to take care of your hungover ass the entire next day (tada! Daycare!)
7. And as for the yoga part, you dont have to be flexible to fall out of bed and crawl to the bathroom to pay homage to the fifth of Patron you have festering in your liver.

Above all else, get a cat and every time you see your baby-momma's you will get to hear them bitch about being exhausted and broke. Use this to remind yourself why you and your hubby still use birth control. And if you are really feeling nostalgic, wear Depends when you go to the strip club. Saves on trips to the bathroom, and you can still wake up with diaper rash.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Skinny

So here's how it goes.

1. Email your problem/question/frustration/boyfriend's phone number/complaint's/curiosities to and please be thorough in your question

2. Anything worthwhile that you send will be posted here, and replied to as I see fit

3. Be patient. I'm a busy man, and your problems are not my focus in life. I will see that they are addressed in as timely a manner as possible.

4. Send nudes

5. I'm not your grandma sitting down for coffee talk, so don't be surprised at any response you get

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

The Launch

Some people call me a bitch. Well, to be honest, most people have at one time or another. But to me, darling, its a term of endearment. Just because I made you cry in public with only my words does not make me a bad person, it just makes you weak. So here we are, a trial run, to see how this all goes.

One drunken night, one of many thousands in my life, I was reading an advice column. Yeah, cheesy trash from a local rag, but other people's problems make me laugh, so I just went with it. It was some sob story about a straight girl who can't get her brain-dead boyfriend to do what she wants him to do in bed. And when I got to the bottom of the "advice" section, I couldn't believe the "advice" that was given. It was boring, and of no real help at all. And I started to think, what would have I said to this poor girl? Could I have been helpful, or would I have just been brutally honest, truthful, and ended up, yet again, the perpetual bitch. And who would want the advice of some jaded queen stuck in a small town anyways?

That's when it came to me. I don't give a shit who wants my advice or not, I'm gonna give it. And its not gonna be sugar coated, socially acceptable, or even heartfelt. The reality is, some people need to wake up and smell the sheets, coz someone else has been sleeping with your man.........ME!

So here we are, a mid 20's gay man, starting off with a blog and seeing were it goes. I don't promise much, but here is what I do promise:
-Be brutally honest
-Tell it like it is, not like you want to hear it
-Use profanities(you're fucking right!)
-Attempt to be helpful, if only just making you see the errors of your ways
-Hopefully be slightly entertaining

I don't know how this will all pan out, but I will do my best. My friends all say go for it, and it definitely passes the time while sucking on some rum and chain smoking.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch