Monday, April 26, 2010

Barren and Blissful

Dear Bitch,

I know I am getting old because all my friends are having babies. My husband and I decided not to further popluate this planet, but I feel like without a little bundle of joy I will lose all my friends to baby yoga, play dates, and daycares. What can I do to keep my baby-mommas as friends? Or perhaps I should start hanging out with 19 year olds?

Barren and Blissful

Barren and Blissful,

Bitch Please! Don't have a baby just to hang out with baby-mommas! First off, staying away from baby yoga, play dates, and all that other kiddy shit is really just preventative measures protecting you from Chicken Pox, copious amounts of the 3-P's (piss, puke, and poop), constant bitching about lactating nipples (gross), and a helluva lot of crying.

If you want to have play dates and daycares, here is a solution:
1. Have your gurls over for a bottle or 4 of wine
2. Procede to male strip club
3. Use all the money you saved on not having children to buy lapdances and shove dollar after dollar after dollar in the strippers sweaty g-string and tight ass
4. Do shots from strippers navels and even from your own friends cleavage (thats the play part!)
5. Cab it home
6. Hire a 16 year old high school girl looking for babysitting money to take care of your hungover ass the entire next day (tada! Daycare!)
7. And as for the yoga part, you dont have to be flexible to fall out of bed and crawl to the bathroom to pay homage to the fifth of Patron you have festering in your liver.

Above all else, get a cat and every time you see your baby-momma's you will get to hear them bitch about being exhausted and broke. Use this to remind yourself why you and your hubby still use birth control. And if you are really feeling nostalgic, wear Depends when you go to the strip club. Saves on trips to the bathroom, and you can still wake up with diaper rash.

Here's to the Breeze's,

The Bitch

1 comment:

  1. Hahahahaha...we ARE exhausted, but far from broke. This is funny shit. I hope you get a lot more questions...